Wolfgang.

If the next 350 weeks of my teaching career have stories like this, I may just make it. It's a little long but it cracked me up like nobody's business.

Today is first grade. I am reviewing the "school rules" which are to "be safe, be responsible and be respectful." I know that these kids get these rules drilled into them all over the place so I am trying to make it a little more interesting while letting them know what the consequences are for not following the rules.

Enter Imaginary Ethel. (it used to be Imaginary Fred but when Mr. Sophanne's brother, Fred, died, I felt like that was the wrong thing to do.)

Today Imaginary Ethel was poking Wolfgang (who also happens to be someone who might poke someone else on another occasion.) When I tell Wolfgang this, his eyes light up and he is quite ready to poke her back. I suggest that poking back is really not an option, imaginary or not, and instead he looks at me with disdain and points to Ethel with a look of "being poked" distress.

Ethel is poking. Wolfgang is making faces at her and me and I am explaining to all of the kids that Imaginary Ethel needs to be reminded (by me) of the school rules. I also explain that if she requires three reminders in the same class period that I will be calling "the person who takes care of Imaginary Ethel" after school to let them know of Ethel's difficulties.

Ethel continues to poke, receives her warnings and I pick up my imaginary phone and call "the person who takes care of Imaginary Ethel." I say "Hello, this is Mrs. Sophanne, I'm calling about Ethel. She has been poking another student today and I wonder if you could talk to her about following the rules in music class."

Wolfgang interrupts this phone call and says "TELL HER IT'S ME! TELL HER IT'S ME THAT SHE'S POKING!!!!!!"

I put the imaginary receiver against my chest and say (so that kids get a little knowledge about confidentiality in the schools) "Actually Wolfgang, I can't really tell her who Ethel is poking. I'm not allowed to."

I finish my phone call and proceed to explain what's in store for Imaginary Ethel if she continues to poke Wolfgang. (an official note home and a visit to the principal's office.) As I am explaining this, Wolfgang picks up HIS imaginary phone and calls "the person who takes care of Ethel" to tell her it was HIM she was poking.

I immediately stop what I'm doing, look at Wolfgang and tell him that he is NOT allowed to make phone calls in music class and he must tell her he'll call her back later and that he has to go now, which he immediately does.

added for clarity- Wolfgang is not his real name but he has a really cool name like Wolfgang so it might as well be. Ethel is imaginary. A year ago in kindergarten, if I had told Wolfgang that I was not going to reveal his identity, he would have thrown a fit and would require an aide to "passively restrain" him. Sometimes when I write the words "might as well be" I really want to just type "Marcus Welby."