Radio Noir

ETA come to find when it's radio and detectives it's not Radio Noir but "Hardboiled Radio."

I've mentioned here before that I like to listen to Relic Radio podcasts. Last night I listened to Pat Novak-Detective for Hire starring Jack Webb. I bet it was a blast being a writer on these shows. I jotted down a few of my favorites for to make-a-you laugh. All lines should be said in a Joe Friday monotone


And everything sounds all right but sometimes it isn’t- like saying Happy New Year to a lifer.

The veins stood out on his face as if he slept on an alligator bag instead of a pillow

You get bloodshot eyes just looking at her. She can make a quart of gin disappear while anybody else looks for the cork screw

She opened the door with a nice easy motion- like a cat getting ready to eat it’s young.


Why’d you marry him?
I don’t know. I suppose I confused a hangover with love.
Sounds exciting.
About as lively as a dishrag in a steambath.

I rolled over once and then I stretched out on the floor as hard as a piece of chewing gum on a theater seat.

I tried to get up once or twice but I couldn’t get the boxcar off my chest and the phone kept ringing like a piece of crystal in a hailstorm.

The guy that opened the door had a face like three pounds of warm putty. It was moist and pink and you got the idea they put the color in with a spray gun and if his heart was made of the same stuff, they drained the oil out first.

I told her if her husband didn’t square, I’d turn him into hamburger. She offered to bring the buns.

When I walked out of there, I felt like a voice teacher with adenoids.

That’s a lot of blonde hair to keep indoors. Good blondes run like salmon.

His mouth hung open like a broken screen door.

She had a vacant look on her face as if her brains had checked out without letting her know.

He’s not a season pass- we don’t have to hang on to him.