So I've got this situation.
There is a group of people who I gather with-because we all happen to be there- not by any invitation or disinvitation- that has acquired a new member.
This group used to function smoothly and with large laughs. We would pause in silence and conversation would be creative when it happened and not mundane or gossipy.
This new member has no knowledge of the previous dynamics and has steamrolled in with constant jabber about irrelevant situations that in no way relate to the interests of anyone else in the group. S/he dominates the conversation to the point that once creative laughing people shut down and are silent. If a side conversation takes place during a particularly long irrelevant story, s/he will stop the story and take over the side conversation.
We've started having an unspoken contest to see who will maintain eye contact with him/her the longest and be forced to hear the whole story while others try to get their requisite laughs in on the side.
It's thrown a wrench in my works. I need my laughs and not gossip. I don't know what to do. I am very inclined to bluntly say "you talk too much." but know that doing so will end a relatively decent relationship with this person who otherwise is kind and friendly.
What to do? Probably nothing but I thought I'd toss it out there for assistance.
8 comments:
You need to lead by example. Perhaps the rest of you being quiet leads him/her to be insecure so s/he just keeps talking out of nervousness. I do that and it is terrible!
Team up with your witty talkers and get the conversation in the right direction. Perhaps in time this new member might be a great addition.
Interesting! There was a Dear Abby kind of article in the paper about something like this and the suggestion was to explain to them that they just aren't a good fit for this group. That the discussion is usually less gossipy and more informative. Don't know if that will help....but that was the suggestion. It might be better than "You talk too much"
Go with your gut. You are a bright resourceful woman. Try to get a feel for the situation and go with your instincts. I trust your instincts and so should you!
This is so hard. I've been on both sides of the situation. After my divorce I was lonely and needy, and became something of a pest for my co-workers. They were patient and kind and I got over it.
On the other hand, there is a woman in our knitting group who has a tendency to lecture us on topics she knows well. She IS intelligent and knowledgeable, but we don't want to hear 30 minutes of early church history or a dissertation on the brilliance of Fred Rodgers. (Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood) She is not going to get over it. It's just how she is.
Is it possible to get your newbie alone and find out what makes her tick? Is this a bus group or a teacher's lounge gathering or what? You have to realize that a happy, laughing group of people is powerfully attractive, and you will naturally draw in the lonely and needy.
You are kind and wise. I trust your instincts, too.
lots of good advice! i'm usually the one unintentionally dominating the conversation (ask yvonne!), and i can tell you that i would really appreciate being approached gently by someone kind--say, some time when you both "happen" to be up getting coffee or heading for the loo--and hearing, "you know, the group dynamic is a little different from those at other [fill-in-the-blank] groups. we've always kind of done x." and engage her in a conversation about how things were/are at other similar groups she's participated in. it'll get her thinking about such things and probably raise her consciousness enough that she'll police herself--if she has adequate social skills. if things haven't improved after a few more group get-togethers, you can always be more direct with her. but it's nice to let her process it herself, i think.
It sucks that this interloper screwed up the group dynamic. Tough situation. Maybe the group could tell her that your group is not really an open knitting group, it's more a group of friends who gather. Or you could move the group somewhere else or move it to a different night & don't tell the interloper.
I like LisaBe's suggestion. You might also look at Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication; he has a wonderful chapter section about using empathy to revive a lifeless conversation. He says "it is more considerate to interrupt people than to pretend to listen. All of us want our words to enrich others, not burden them."
Hi m'lovely.
I wanted to thank you for that beautiful comment you left on my blog - it really made my day.
In regards to your neice, I am so glad to hear she is both happy and healthy. She sounds so much like myself, I was 12 when my dad died, and have battled with self harm and eating disorders in the 5yrs since then. The unconditional love and support shown by everyone to me yesterday meant the world though. And i'm not giving up, it was the inspiration I needed and I feel like a new person.
so thank you
xxx
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