Bookclub

With one week of summer vacation ahead of me, I've just finished the perfect book to sum up what was difficult about teaching last year.

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon.

The Amazon synopsis reads:

Dr. George Simon knows how people push your buttons. Your children--especially teens--are expert at it, as is your mate. A co-worker may quietly undermine your efforts while professing to be helpful, or your boss may prey on your weaknesses. Manipulative people have two goals: to win and to look good doing it. Often those they abuse are only vaguely aware of what is happening to them.

It continues to share what this book offers.

George K Martin was a guest on an MSNBC news show were he was asked to speak about the personality characteristics of Donald Trump and was how I found this particular book. (I'm a sucker for guest authors but they often are the best way to decide what to read!)

While this book primarily deals with adult-adult interaction, there are a few examples of parent-child interaction. However in his conclusion, Simon writes,

Inpatient psychiatric facilities in this country are bursting at the seams with young persons exhibiting significant disturbances of character. Regardless of what psychiatric diagnosis they may be given upon admission, the majority of these youngsters are brought to these facilities because of their completely undisciplined aggressive behavior. (p. 167)

My understanding of the premise is that in the past we have attributed behaviors such as these to whatever fear and insecurity neuroses these children may have had. Sympathy, compassion and understanding the underlying causes is traditionally deemed the best defense in "curing" what ails them.

It would seem that all of this "understanding" has played right into the hands of the manipulative child who will deny, rationalize, defend, and divert any anti-social behavior for the sake of winning.

This isn't one of those "kids these days" rants. I have seen all of the behaviors Simon describes in children as young as 5 years old. As a compassionate non-covertly aggressive person, accepting the fact that there are manipulative children on the planet and that it can be learned at a very young age seems unfathomable to me.

Until, that is I look at his examples of the tactics those manipulators use and recognize them as what I was fighting last year.

Characteristics of this personality type include- Self-centered thinking, possessive thinking, extreme (all-or-none) thinking, egomaniacal thinking, shameless thinking, quick and easy thinking, and guiltless thinking.(pg.38-40)

He writes of the social factors that helps to create manipulative children include permissiveness, indulgence, abuse, neglect, and lack of accountability.(p100)

Being a society opposed to those factors does not prevent them from occurring. As a teacher who sees any given child 90 minutes a week, there is a minimal amount I can do to combat these behaviors.

At least now I recognize them. I can't fix their family issues, I can't change how they relate to all of society. But I can see them in action and rather than "cutting the kid a break" because of the life s/he comes from, I can feel better about calling out such behaviors and working harder to have students be accountable for what they say and do.

I have a friend who divorced a manipulative narcissist. From the outside it was easy for me to see and explain his patterns of behavior. It took a little while for her to see them for what they were. I feel like this book has given me the tools to see some of the discipline issues I've had for what they are and has given me another way of thinking about and helping those challenging kids.

Another day in...

Paradise? Maybe not so much.

Aunt is in hospital again. (I love the way the Brits say that.). More serious than the last. Stable now but a diagnosis of septic pneumonia and in need of a bipap machine to get her breathing properly.

Awesome husband took an Oxford house resident to what he thought would be a meeting with his attorney and law enforcement only to discover law enforcement had a bench warrant for said resident who was promptly escorted to jail. As such dear husband felt discouraged and tired from all that comes as a result of doing good deeds.

Lest it all be doom and gloom I'll share the knitting in the works. A former student teacher recently gave birth to a pair of boy/girl twins. First this little monkey for each. (found here on Ravelry)

 

To be accompanied by these adorable hats- (found here on Ravelry- with kits available at this website)

 

So pleased at how well the two separate patterns and designers made matching monkeys.

 

No more basketball

Heavily post-vet visit sedation.

Our sweet pup is going to have to give up her basketball career. I'm not sure what we'll do without the extra income.

She has a torn cranial cruciate ligament. Or the people version of a torn ACL. If we let it go, she will have pain and debilitating arthritis. She will also likely blow out her left rear leg.

Surgery means 6-8 weeks of no significant movement followed by two more months of cautious weight bearing walks.

To be honest I'm not sure which would make her more miserable.

It's times like these when Facebook is your friend. Especially when you wonder why you bother remaining friends with long ago acquaintances. Seems like you can always find someone in the "hive" who has been there done that.

One teacher friend has been through it all. A former student has a vet tech degree. Knowledge is power.

Teacher friend had a sobbing breakdown seeing her bébé post surgery. And she's a farm girl more used to the harder side of pet care taking. I'm sure to be a hot mess.

That she lacks opposable thumbs guarantees there will not be a photo of me in my post-vet sedation. Though you never know-with so much sedentary time on her hands and her basketball career over, she may start a blog of her own. I better keep checking my internet history for a search of doggie stylus'!

 

odds and ends... oddly ending

This shall be a post most random in nature. Hang on.

Item the One-  This is one of those toilet "protect a seat" dispensers.

In an effort to be more observant in my world I couldn't help but notice the brand (?)

Formerly Krystal?  Really?  After a brief search on the internet I've found that I'm not the only one to notice.  There are instagram, twitter and tumblr posts which include a similar picture.  Maybe the half toilet seat cover company is having an identity crisis and trying to "cling" (get it?) to the past.

Item the Two- The upcoming election.  I. Just. Can't.  The democratic convention and the fallout gave me some hope.  Otherwise the best thing I can say about it is that I now know which of my Republican friends would be most likely to join a cult.  Apparently I'm not the only one thinking this- 

as can be seen here.

Item the Three- Roads not travelled.  About 20 years ago I broke up with a boyfriend.  Shortly after, one of his acquaintances (not even really a good friend) asked me out.  Being in the thirties and still avoiding any possibility of conflict- (thank goodness those days are gone) I declined.  

As the years went by and as I was still struggling to figure out who I was and what I wanted, I would see him with his wife and two kids at the grocery store doing the family thing-  not really clinging but occasionally wondering about the road not taken.  Last week while visiting the Aunt, there he was, walking and talking with his mother (a resident).  Separate and parallel lives at least for that day.

With my life currently relatively well in hand I didn't have the same sense of regret I did during those more difficult days of self-discovery.  What I did realize (that I have been wondering most recently) is a sense of where the last 30 years have gone.  Having no children, I don't have what I would consider the typical signposts of life passing by.  Fifty seems impossible.  Without wanting to be cliche I am always asking myself "where has the time gone?"  That day I at least caught a glimpse.

And Item the Four a different take on health and well being.  Alternately titled "Isn't It Ironic."

The foot injury has left my summer exercise aspirations twisting in the wind.  It's hard to get 10,000 steps when the dr. prescribes rest, ice, compression and elevation.  The thrill of Zumba has turned into "the agony of deFEET"  (bwah ha ha!)

What occurred to me while trying to walk today is that in order to take care of your body you have to have a positive body image.  I so easily fall into the "what does it matter" during the sleep-eating chocolate chip cookie episodes.  It's hard to be positive when you're 100 pounds heavier than you really should be.  So the goal for the last two weeks of summer vacation is to walk when I can and at least consider a fondness of myself when reaching for that next treat.

Item the Last- My Facebook acquaintances who live in the Atlanta area have been posting back-to-school pictures of their kids (and I thought we started early.)  I have one more Sunday free of charge. August 14th begins the cycle of the Sundays of Doom.  That being said, the one thing that made Sundays the worst (putting my clean clothes away when there was no room) has been attended to so we may be able to maintain DEFCON 3 instead of 4.  

Maybe that lower status will allow for some blogging and adventures worthy of it when the rat race resumes.

Resolved and Pending and Stars

Human services recently (in April) sent me a letter telling me that my cousin was not qualified for extra psych group therapy (three days a week) because she collects too much social security. She collects that much social security because she has said psychological issues.

April and May were spent trying to resolve this through various government, independently contracted and county human service agencies. In fact, with all of the "answers" I got, this is the part of the story that could turn into a novel rather than a blog post. The final option and the way we stood before vacation was to completely start the reapplication process from the top and hope to get a waiver.

Until that point, the county offered emergency funding so that she could continue services. While on vacation I received an email from the director of the program asking to meet today.

Though not intentional, my resting bitch face was hard at work. I had dealt with so many beauraucrats giving me so many different and conflicting answers that I couldn't see how meeting at 10:00 am on a Wednesday morning would improve things.

Once in the meeting, the situation was again explained to me and the possibility of a waiver was ruled out based on the limited funds of the state and the high demand for requests.

As soon as that was established there was a "BUT..." She does qualify for "social group" as opposed to "psych group." Social group being a much more activity oriented group which is perfect and was the service I had hoped for originally.

I just have to wonder why oh why did it take four months and a face to face meeting for them to share this alternative with me? Every week she would ask me about it. In the meantime, the people who were supposed to be supporting her were telling her that she might not be able to come any more and also not offering up the possibility of the other group.

That is the conclusion of the resolved story.

The Pending part is all about the sweet Liza Jane. She is not putting any weight on her back right paw. Maybe it's sympathy pains. She figures if she walks like me I'll take her for a walk.

We have pain meds for a week and if it persists we will have to sedate her and/or put her under general anesthesia so that the vet can get an X-ray. The dogs who are ambivalent to the world have garnered a new respect from me.

This summer will be looked upon as the summer of reading. There was a conversation at knit night about a goal of reading a book a month. I've definitely hit that this year and am much happier for doing so. There are about three others that I'm partially through.

My star system-

1 star: I don't give one star. I put the book down if it's that bad. Life is too short to read boring books

2 stars: I finished it but it was a struggle.

3 stars: I finished it and might recommend it if the topic interests you to begin with.

4 stars: Time with this book was well-spent.

5 stars: Hurry! Quick! Go read this book and then we can talk about it!

 

 

 

 

Must. Read. All. The. Books.

 

Baby steps

As I mentioned earlier, the little room in the basement has some issues. At least three years of end of the year detritus.   It's very hot here and that room has no ventilation so any attending to it need be done in small bits.  In an effort to take baby steps, I grabbed a stack of papers and found some recipes to share.

When first beginning to clear out Aunts house- before realizing it required professional grade cleaner outers, I headed for the recipe counter.  She had many many cut out and saved recipes that I discarded but I saved the hand written, well-worn ones.  The main one I was looking for was this one-

Lemon Squares

1 c flour

½ c butter

¼ c sugar

bake 15 minutes at 350

2 eggs

2 tbsp lemon juice

1 c sugar

2 tbsp flour

1/2 tsp baking powder

sift powdered sugar when cool

bake at 350 20-25 minutes

recipe usually doubled for 9x13 pan

The entire list of saved recipes are in a dropbox file here.  They include:

Pumpkin Roll with frosting, Neiman Marcus' $250 cookies (I think I gave her that one), Nut rolls, Chocolate chocolate chip cookies, Quick lemon cookies. Zucchini Soup, Roll out butter cookies, Cake frosting, Large cake, Coffee cake, Strawberry Dessert. Strawberry Cream Pie, Chocolate Dream Square, World's Best baked apples, Brownies, Strudel, Pecan Pie bars, and cheesecake cookies.

The ones I remember clearly as absolutely delicious are the lemon squares, brownies, and strawberry pie.

Now they are on the interweb for eternity.  Or until drop box goes under. Also typing out recipes adds fewer calories than making and eating them, so there's that accomplishment today as well

What do you really want to do?

This summer I have finished 10 books. That wasn't on my list of goals but it's what I enjoy doing.

I also did some major de-cluttering. While cleaning was on the list, 23 bags of garbage was not.

Things on the list that I prepared before school was out that I have not done-

Spin Poi

Learn calligraphy

Make a fruit pizza

Play the ukulele and the guitar

Read Love in the time of cholera

Get Rosetta Stone and learn Spanish

Get stickers of myself giving a thumbs up to give to kids

Go to the zoo

Eat a giant ice cream at Sarris' candy

Creatively plant chicks and hens

Complete an ItunesU or Coursera class

Make waffles with banana pudding and strawberries

Update ios on all devices

I did make a visit to the courthouse and go to Zumba.

So, what's my dealio I wonder. Do I channel Chris Farley's man living in a van down by the river in May with "another one of those things I'm never going to do." Maybe I just need the list so that the thought of transitioning from school to summer isn't so overwhelming. Maybe I just like the idea of doing those things rather than actually doing them.

There are three weeks left. Plenty of time to do/try something new. I wonder if I will.

 

I also did not include laying in the air conditioned room with the dog under the blanket but I've done plenty of that!

 

An update on the topsy turvy

So after a visit to Medexpress, a short emotional meltdown tended to by the kind nurses there, and some resting time to lower my blood pressure from 168/110 my foot was x-rayed and not broken. I got some muscle relaxers and a great excuse to take it easy.

I spoke to Aunt this morning. They are still testing. People her age, and conditions such as this suggest another night of observation and evaluation so I'm going to let the phone take care of my taking care of her.

This morning husband bob fielded a call from the cousin. She fell and pulled a muscle in the back of her leg. Wants to go to have it looked at. I mentioned it while I was being checked they said there wasn't much they could do for her. We are sending over ibuprofen, a cane and dinner in an effort to avoid yet another visit to a medical establishment.

So after some muscle relaxer, some crying and some TLC I'm feeling ok again. The only looming worry was the job situation for next year.

It's like this. There is a school that serves mostly the children of university professionals. The building is seventy five years old and smells like that wax they used to use on wood floors back in the day. There is no place or space for teachers such as myself. I once got yelled at for parking my car. They are building a new bulding but have another nine months to completion. Normal people love this school. Smart kids-neighborhood school feeling. I hate it because it wreaks of entitlement, white privilege and disregard for what the arts can offer given the right atmosphere. (Wow- I've never really articulated the "whys" of my loathing for that place- seeing it in writing makes me feel less guilty.)

One summer I came home from vacation to find I was assigned there again after a ten year respite. I was sure that was what the most recent phone call was about. Instead, I came home to a letter from the assistant Superintndent that said I was assigned to Juvie Elementary school on Friday mornings! I love the teachers there, I love the kids there and honestly it won't be much different than some of the things I faced this year only help will already be in the room.

So maybe in a day or two it will finally feel like vacation with healthy relatives, a clean house and knowledge of stability in my job.

Thanks for bearing witness.

Of course

In the category of you never get more than you can handle...

Today was spent in the ER with Aunt.  Low oxygen-labored breathing.  Tests to follow.

Around 5:00 pm after being there for eight hours I suggested to the attending aides and nurse that part of her grumbliness might be due to the fact that she had not eaten for 24 hours.  Their response-"we all get angry sometimes." She had already singed some bridges before it got to that point.  I made sure to tell them it was for their benefit that I shared this information.

Before returning tomorrow I'll stop at Medexpress and have the 5th metatarsal x-rayed. It occurred to me to ask them to do it while I was waiting with her but didn't want to complicate things.

Dear husband took me to out to dinner in spite of the fact that he had two options that he had planned on cooking instead.  I just needed to be "away."

And at 1:09 am, I am still clearly operating on west coast time.

Le sigh.

And so reality returns

One of the biggest problems I was avoiding while on vacation was telling the aunt the news of her house. Mainly that everything in it has been removed and that there is a buyer for it. One reason this was a challenge is that in her mind, everything there is still exactly as it was before she left. She often refers to one thing or another and says "I know right where it is."

With that stressor weighing on my mind upon our return, another was added via an answering machine message from the assistant superintendent saying something to the effect "we appreciate your work at your current position, I need to talk to you about a change in your schedule." Having returned the call, I am waiting to hear back. In the meantime this has replaced the prior major stressor. Calls like this are generally never good news and while I have 30 years invested in the system,(20 at the current school) they can move me from school to school at their whim.

After dinner with my lovely cousin (and a double Don Patron tequila on the rocks) I made the call to the aunt. Turns out while I was gone, she and some galpals got the living center people to get them a bus to Christopher Banks where she made up for an entire two years of not going shopping. I told her about the house and its contents and she said "it's for the best and by the way...", proceeding then to tell me about the shopping trip.

Sometimes the world just works in your favor.

As for the other, I have spent the last five years in a significant leadership role in my current position. It has cost me more time and more stress than its been worth but I've mostly enjoyed the challenge. If, in fact, those circumstances change, it will be an opportunity to relinquish the being in charge of x, y and z as well as being a part of the team responding to "kids in crisis." (Formerly known as CPI training.) With thirty years in, I can find a way to teach music in any situation (remember that time I taught at juvieschool with kids climbing the furniture - maybe I left that part out) without carrying any drama home. So, while I'm not looking forward to what may come, fuck it. I've got this- it takes more than career upheaval to send me over the edge. At least today.

Innocuous

Nothing going on here. Unless of course you are looking for a photo analysis and the way I make annoying things funny sometimes.

What you see- two thumbs wrestling

What you don't see- they're in a restaurant, they're nearly horizontal (is that laying or lying?) on the bench, and they are covered with black spots made by sharpie markers because apparently when you do that and then place your phone camera directly on top of said mark, and snap a photo, you get the effect of one of those electric dog collars set on about 4.

What you see- empty plastic travel cup once containing Pepsi.

What you don't see- the other three large glasses ordered and consumed-leading to a frenzy of near epic proportions in which, in other circumstances, I would call for assistance. There was intervention after the first two hours but by then there was no relaxing for anyone.

What you see- that peach colored blob to the left of the fork is silly putty. Perhaps it was a keep the kids busy item from the restaurant.

What you didn't see- is that the silly putty was throughout the house throughout the week. Most notably stuck on the bathroom wall. It could also be spotted being tossed against the wall over tourist's heads across a busy sidewalk. If it came from a restaurant, it was long past its expiration date.

What you see-

An innocuous rest room at the site of a 9/11 memorial.
What you don't see-

Look a little closer...

Are the two missing from the group photo because they were on the roof of the innocuous restroom.
As parents might say "kids these days..."
As I say "WHAT THE WHAT????"

The boat

Then we were on a boat.

 

And a tube.

 

 

 

 

And they have something fun to remember.

 

RBF

Fish and house guests-three days.

Ben Franklin (edited for brevity)

There was a child at school last year that I didn't write about because that's not right. Behaviors included: demanding to be the center of attention, always. Antagonizing other kids (physically and verbally) for results. Repeating loud statements for the sake of hearing his own voice. Relentless requests for every whim that popped into his head. Also the sweetest kid in the room except for the unending annoyances. He was five.

Yesterday he reappeared. Except he is 14 and with me on vacation. I was tolerating it all with a "that's just -----, he's always like that." Until I made the connection and went immediately into RBF (resting bitch face). And now it seems to have stuck.

We're at fourteen in number and it would seem that my comfort level is with a solid ten. I am hibernating now to avoid the RBF reveal and to avoid a panic attack. Later in the day we are renting a boat that seats fourteen. I have to go. I may medicate.

Husbandbob took me out for a trip to the casino last night and a trip to the yarn store this morning.

 

 

 

If 409 yards of cashmere can't cure RBF then I'm pretty sure nothing will.

 

 

Day 5 at the lake.

 

 

 

Lake Chelan Day 4

No pictures, not much to recount.

Kids lived at the pool all day.  Parents made enchiladas for dinner. I knitted, read and slept and did the final kitchen clean up.

The ages are 4-11-11-12-12-14 and 16.  The 16 is a trapeze artist.  The 14 is the only boy. One 12 is the daughter of the son's girlfriend.  The other is the son's.  One 11 has had brain surgery.  The other looks like Jodie Foster and has never met a stranger.  The 4 knows that with all of these "bigs" around, a crying tantrum can get you anything.

There's been one round of poker.  I think it's harder for grandfather to connect as the gkids get older.  Yesterday he asked what a meme is and didn't find Snoop Dogg narrating nature shows nearly as hilarious as the younger ones did.

I'm still icing the ankle and while it's not swollen, there is a good bit of pain.  Bruised bone?  Stretched tendon?  Probably it will need attention when I get home.  The weather and little burg here are perfect for getting daily steps but it is what it is.

I am imagining the novelty of the pool will wear off some time tomorrow and there will be more poker and an exploration into the surroundings. And hopefully a picture or two.

Washington Day Three- Lake Chelan

In a day that seemed like two we made it to the lake house. The cute little town of Manson is just two blocks away. The beach house pictures left out the Chelan Fruit Crates in the distance. The pool is everything it promised to be and there are enough giant flotation devices for every kid and then some.

 

 

These two girls were so happy excited about the four person bunk bed bedroom, they could hardly contain themselves. It was so much fun to watch. The two older grandkids helped with the shopping trip where for a few minutes the bill registered $849.00 thanks to a $549 bag of carrots.

People are relaxed, laughing and happy.

 

Seattle-Day Two

Today was a quiet day. We saw the littlest's sharing performance from summer drama camp. She was one of five Elsa's.

 

This was followed by lunch with the stars.

 

The rest of the siblings returned from various adventures this evening. Tomorrow is the beginning of the lake house,

 

Seattle Day One

We are here. We are here.

-Horton Hears A Who, Dr. Seuss

 

First class makes things better. Long plane journeys still suck. Thank you restless leg syndrome.

After a long sleep and a nap we were ready for the first (and only) order of business for the day- Downtown Seattle for a #blacklivesmatter vigil.

It started quietly,equal numbers of all colors gathering.

 

And even once it took to the streets, remained so-

 

Most impressive were the police on bikes who made sure the unplanned street protesters were protected from cross traffic. The march ended up at the U.S. Courthouse.

 

And this being Seattle, the kids played in the park undaunted by both the protests and the rain.

 

I am proud to be part of a family who pays attention to the world.

 

 

IHOP for the win-actually it's more of a hobble.

I believe that this will be a yearly summer treat. It's a little out of the way for us but sometimes you just need banana pancakes.

 

Dear IHOP, your tv commercials work. When we finished eating our server asked us if we wanted dessert. Hilarious.

Cousin and aunt attended to? Check. House sitter taken care of? Check. Flea medicine and pet food taken care of? Check. Travel money acquired? Check. Airport arrival pick up arranged? Check.

Tomorrow afternoon begins our adventure to the northwest. More to follow. (I hope)

 

The question is...

What will I do with myself with July and August ahead of me and all garbage disposed of?

 

There IS a table in the kitchen.

 

Yarn room? Check.

There is vacation and the room that shall not be named. These two things will likely take us into August. But, I don't return to school until August 14th. There may in fact be two solid weeks of guilt free activities.

 

The Internet

Has changed my relationship with books.

Even knitting books. And cookbooks. And books that I love.

This morning was spent culling books. Again. About 4 years ago I started this process and have essentially gone from needing four book cases to needing only one.

I held on to the Elizabeth Zimmerman and Charlene Schurch books. Those are favorites. I kept three classic designing knitwear books because maybe someday. I also kept the toe up socks on two needles because again, maybe someday. Every other interweave collection and lace collection is in the to go pile. I'm going to take them to knit night a few at a time and dispense of them that way. (Vanfox, if you're reading this and want the motherlload, send me a secret message- I can find you at the CB track upon my return.) Also I did not follow the rule of gathering all books from all places. My foot hurt.

I knit patterns from Ravelry. I mark them from my app Goodreader. That is how I like to do things. I haven't knit from a paper pattern in years.

 

Knitting and changed my life books

There are three cookbooks that have recipes that I've actually made. The rest are going going gone.

I haven't completely done away with the "changed my life after reading them" books, but the collection is smaller and all the ones available on kindle are marked on the wish list at Amazon so I don't forget about them. We'll see how I feel about that in a year. (Vonnegut is so hard to let go of.)

There are two books that are as yet unavailable on Kindle. Gabrièl Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude and Isabel Allende's Eva Luna. I'm taking both on vacation because I might not want to take my tablet here where I will be lounging- Northwest US, here we come! I need to remember to ask a family member to take this exact photo with me in one of the chairs!

 

I am sparing the stash from the recent "bring me joy binge." Dammit, yarn brings me joy. But some reorganizing has brought some projects to the front that I may go back to now that I can see the patterns. (Thank you progressive lenses and I'm talking to you Hitofude!)

 

There is still a "room that shall not be named" in the basement. Every year when school is out I put things in th car and move them to this room. I need to wait until it's closer to garbage day before I tackle that space.

Once again, if you've made it this far in this self absorbed blog post, you are rewarded with another Great Pyr puppy pic.

 

Squeeeeeeeeeeee!

Thanks for sticking around and bearing witness.