Some notes to kids on the last weeks of school

Hey 5th grader, time will not pass more quickly if you bring in one of those yellow and black striped centipedey/caterpillars and lick it in class. And after I tell you to put it in the garbage can, it is not I that am "killing an innocent bug." You did that when you brought him in. For the record, I don't think those caterpillars have the same properties as certain magical frogs.

Hey 5th grader crying crocodile tears claiming you got hit in the jaw with a mallet. Maybe you did but if you can't tell me who did it, there's not much I can do. Also, how does one get smacked in the face with a mallet and not know who did it? Also, since I was escorting all potential smackers personally (including the caterpillar licker), it's unlikely you're going to be able to find somebody to pin it on.

P.S. if anyone feels like this is breaking any sort of confidentiality rules, please advise. Sometimes they be gray areas.

P.P.S. there are 11 more days with students. Somehow I feel this has the potential to be a series of posts.