Rules at House of Sophanne

That last post and a reminder from a friend gave me pause for thought on how it is that Mr. Sophanne and I manage the stresses of life without collapsing into knock down drag out marital distress. Thus I present today House of Sophanne's spoken and unspoken rules of marital disputes.

#1 No one is allowed to leave or threaten to leave. EVER. This came up while we were dating and however uncomfortable it made either of us, we've stuck to it because we both know that in spite of whatever momentary differences there may be, giving up is not an option.

#2 No telling the other person how they should think, should act or should feel- as well as no telling them how they do think, do act or feel. The closest we come to this is by saying "when you say x it makes me feel y."

#3 Taking a time out and going to separate corners is o.k. (kind of like boxing in rounds) but usually rule #2 sets someone up for an apology of some kind (even if it's "I'm sorry you feel that way.") and that person usually knows it's his/her turn to come to the middle.

#4 No picking on or baiting one another. When this occurs, the other can say "that felt like you're picking on me."

#5 The only way to resolve these kinds of fights is to step back from the emotion and try to rationally discuss.

#6 Both of us recognize that we bring baggage from the past into every argument. We're not always arguing with each other but instead yelling at the baggage from our past. We try to pay attention to that.

Most of our disputes have come from high stress levels, lack of communication, or fear of one thing or another. More than once I am sure the neighbors got quite an earful. Especially in those first two years. Lately (knock on wood) because we know how things eventually resolve, we skip the whole emotionally charged yelling and go straight for the "what's going on here" scenario.

We haven't yet gone to bed angry but when we both get up in the morning at the same time, we have left for work angry and that is no good.

Sometimes it's good to ask the other if "now is a good time to talk about...."

When we were on vacation, I was mired in the stress of making sure it was all good for all of his family that was there. He was mired in that stress as well but recognized mine, stepped back and gave me space for it. In return, I recognized that I was crazy bitchy and after a snappy remark would immediately acknowledge that it was stress-related, apologize, and try to reign it in.

We rarely argue about money because we have a working budget that meets our needs. When we have to talk about the budget (for an update or to change it) we both say "talking about money is stressful- look at us both getting stressed." and we give ourselves some big high fives when we make it through that conversation.

These rules-most of them a matter of habit rather than spoken or acknowledged in any way- take some giving in from both of us. Being willing to be wrong and being gracious when right is the key for us. As is acknowledging and being sensitive to each others fears and insecurities.

It makes me wonder what other people do.